More on Blame and Responsibility

Tossing blame back and forth is a useless exercise.  Of course a failed marriage is an interaction between two people.  It's never one person's fault that a marriage fails.  But, how does this work when alcohol is involved?

In my case, I really believe my husband and I had "normal" marital struggles.  I was very in love with him and I enjoyed taking care of our three young children.  I believe that during this time, the only choice he made was to drink hard liquor for 1 week.  In that 1 week, he became an alcoholic.  That was almost 14 years ago.  Is it his fault that he hasn't been able to stop?  I don't know.  I don't blame him.  It is useless to do so.  His mother is an alcoholic.  He used drugs as a teenager, which primed his brain for addiction.  Is this his fault?  I don't think so.  He doesn't seem to have the will power to quit?  Is this his fault?  No.  Is any of this my fault?  No.

What is the point of this discussion?  Blame is useless.  Responsibility is paramount to happiness.  We need to take responsibility for what we can control and change and let the rest go.

My Teenager's Response to "The Journey"

Last night, I showed my 16 year-old son, "The Journey".  He said, "I'm not sure I agree."  I think he said this because he is connected to me.  As a mother of two teenagers and one young adult, in some ways these "children" have been following my lead.  In this situation, I visualize them actually holding onto me.  The youngest is at the top, the other two farther down, holding onto me as I climb out of this pit.  I've had several different visualizations for what I am doing as I detach.  The latest is climbing out of a pit.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but at times I've been too tired to climb and the children have taken over.  Now, though I've taken the rightful role as parent and I'm leading the way.  Maybe they are not actually holding onto me now, but climbing behind me.  I am at the top, resting on my elbows.  I have footholds for my feet and I can see the view.  It's glorious.  The sun is coming up and the sky is scattered with clouds and washed with colors of red and purple.  It is a new day.

Mary Oliver's poem, "The Journey"

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Blame vs. Responsibility

For many years I blamed myself.  Blamed myself for his drinking.  Of course, he constantly reminded me of this.  I took it upon myself.  I thought if it was my fault that I could fix it.  I could fix anything (almost), if I put my mind to it.  I was a codependent.  Was isn't accurate...I am.  

I am not as much of a codependent as I used to be.  However, after 7 years, I still get sucked into his blaming comments, "You cut me down, so I started drinking.  I ended up in rehab again."  

"What, do you blame me?"  
"No."
Yeah, right I'm thinking.  I couldn't sleep.  I felt badly.  I felt angry and as it was late at night, I was not going to call him back and tell him my feelings.  I will express them.  I did notice his comment.  It was bull and I'm tired of him not taking the responsibility for his drinking.

He will never truly recover if he cannot take responsibility.  If it is always someone else who is to blame then he will never have to accept the fact that he is the one who poured alcohol down his throat.  He is the one who has to come to grips with the issues that haunt him.  He is the one who has to make amends.  He needs to take responsibility for his own life as I have for mine.

Alcoholism and "ET"

My therapist has told me on several occasions that my situation reminds her of the movie, "ET".  I am the boy and my husband is ET.  At one part of the movie, they are both dying.  They have a strange connection to each other and they are lying on adjacent tables.  ET is dying and so the boy is too.  When they disconnect the boy from ET, the boy begins to regain consciousness and to live again.

This is a very accurate analogy of my current situation.  The more I disconnect from him, the more I feel alive...the more I feel like my own self...the more MY life does not revolve around alcohol.

We are not totally disconnected yet.  We may never be.  We are best friends, even after 7+ years of separation.  Divorce will help.  Time will help.  I'm not sure what else will help...

If he were an extraterrestrial...maybe returning to his own planet would help.  I would stay here.  (Just trying to insert a little humor.  That does help.)

Whiskey Lullabies

There's a song by Alison Krauss that cuts to the heart of my feelings.  It goes something like this:

"She put him out...she broke his heart...never could get her off his mind...or drink enough...until finally he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger.  Life is short, but this time it was bigger...they buried him under the willow...and the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."

"Nobody knew how much she blamed herself.  She finally drank her pain away...until she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger...found her clinging to his picture...laid her next to him under the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby."

DIVORCING

I've made a lot of progress.  I'm trying to work out the financial details of divorcing my husband.  I've come to a loop in my thinking and I need help to resolve this problem.

I want to continue to live in my home, but I don't have the means at this time to do so.  I have one child living home and two others may return within the next couple of years if they don't find employment after college.  It is likely that at least one of them will live at home for a while. The teenager who is still home wants to stay here and commute to a local university, which means that I may have 3 kids living with me off and on.

My financial situation for the long-term is looking up.  I've been looking for a year for a full-time job and have been unsuccessful.  While doing this, I started a part-time tutoring business and it's recently started to produce real income.  It looks like I may be able to support myself within two years.

Prior to this, I was a stay at home mom with three children.  I did everything except earn the money.  I am fortunate to have a good education that includes two Master's degrees and a family who is a safety net should I need them.  I also have faith that things will work out in the end.

That being said, I do not know how to proceed.  Specifically if I should sell my house and rent which would have solid advantages or use one of the other 7 options I came up with that would require a family member loaning me a small sum of money for about 5 years.

My pride seems to be so great that borrowing money is distasteful to me, but I would like to operate my business out of my home and my home is within walking distance of my child's school.  We like our neighbors and I feel comfortable here.  It is a dilemma as my mind is going in loops and I can't seem to resolve this by myself.  I could ask my husband to give me his share of the house, but I doubt that he would accept that.  I could get a lawyer for myself (we are using a mediation service that has a lawyer who represents both of us), but then it would be a big contentious experience.

The house has very little equity because my husband took 99K out to live on during our 7 year separation.  I didn't know that he took out this much money.  Now I am responsible for half of this debt.  

 My problem now is a moral philosophical one.  I am getting a bum rap.  I know that, but my husband is drinking himself to death.  I may lose my house.  He is losing his life.  Am I deserving of this house because he has succumbed to alcohol??  I chose to stay with him because I always hoped he would stop and come back to me.  He hasn't and it is very unlikely he will.

Should I take something away from him, because he took something from me?  Mostly 13 1/2 years of my life and my financial security.  He also took himself out of the children's lives completely.  They do not have a dad in the true meaning of the word.  I am mom and dad.  I have been a stressed single mother and they have grown up under these circumstances.   

But the question remains, should I take more than my share of the resources?  Do I have the right to do this?  I have no question that a judge would give me this house if I hire a lawyer.  Is that the right thing to do?  

I don't know.

-C