The Train is Jolting to a Stop

      Have you ever been on a bus or train that jolted to a stop?  I haven't, but I have been in a minor car accident that threw me forward and I hit my head on the dashboard.  The only time this happened to me was when I was a child.  I was about 8 and was riding with my grandfather in the front seat.  I wasn't wearing a seat belt and my grandfather was almost blind, literally.  He was making a left turn to drop me off at church and didn't see a car that was going straight.  I screamed and he slammed on the breaks.  Everyone was fine, but I did hit my head on the dashboard.

     I'm afraid that I am going to hit my head when this train comes to a complete stop.  I am now flying through the air.  I have an appointment with a mediation service next week to file the paperwork for the divorce.  I had to fire my attorney because they were charging outrageous fees.  I have to make an offer on a house I like next week (that is smaller and older than our family home).  I applied for a new job.  How many more life stressors???  Hope none are on the horizon for the time being.

    All and all, things are getting better.  I have a lot to be thankful for during the holiday season.
 

Loss and Acceptance

     We are moving closer to a financial agreement.  There's not going to be any fighting over money.  There never was much fighting between us.  We got along very well until he started drinking.

     I have less to say now as I do not feel as if I am being hurt in the same way.  What I am starting to feel is tremendous sadness and grief over the loss of this relationship.  All this time, I had hope that we would be together again.  Now I know that the reality is that he probably will not stop drinking.  We will stay friends.  We will be kind to each other.  I may never have a love like I had with him again.

   It will be OK.  I will be OK.  I have 3 beautiful children, friends and family who love me.  I hope that if you are reading this and you have similar problems, that you know that you will be OK too.  If you drink, you can stop. Just because my husband has not stopped yet, doesn't mean that he cannot stop.  If you are a codependent like me, you can detach.  I haven't detached yet, but I am making a lot of progress.  

Getting Off the Train

     The runaway train is screeching to a halt.  A cliff is looming in the distance.  My friends and family have been yelling "Get off the____train.  It's going to crash.  Get off now."  

     I hear them.  I've been listening, just somewhat immobilized by my fear...my fear of being alone, my fear of supporting myself, etc. I know that I have not been rational.  I should have jumped off earlier.  I am going to get hurt either way.  This train is going to crash if it does not get onto a different track.  He is going to die.


     Today I am supposed to take the paperwork to the lawyer so that he can write up our divorce papers.  I have been sleeping again, but sometimes having nightmares.  Last night I dreamt that a plane crashed behind our house.  My son and his friends as well as my other children were here.  I told everyone to get down on the ground and to get away from the windows.  The plane exploded.  My son was outside and shards of glass went into one of his hands.  I was trying to pull them out when I woke up.

     Our marriage is crashing.  It is blowing up.  He's getting a lawyer too.  This does not matter.  What matters is that I am getting off the train.  I am choosing life without alcohol.  I am not an alcoholic and I can find joy in life again.