Purging

I've been cleaning out my junk and finding a lot of his stuff.   I've given him whatever he wants and taken the other stuff to the thrift shop along with my junk. The more I clean, the better I feel.  Usually, I clean one room at a time, but this time, I've taken on the whole house.  I've become a little obsessed with it.  This is good.  I haven't cleaned like this since we moved here 13 years ago this month.  This is also the time, that my husband started drinking.  Somehow, for 13 years I've thought he would help me clean, help me decorate, help me clean the garage, etc. etc.  No help ever came and the house never got organized the way I would have liked it to be organized.  Now we have over 10 years worth of junk.  It's cleaning up pretty quickly.  I'm also seeing all the things that need to be fixed or repaired.  I kept waiting for him to fix these things.  Most of them he said he would fix:  hole in the ceiling, smoke detectors, light fixtures, etc, etc.  I really don't understand why I've waited so long to take charge of this.

I think that part of the reason I haven't taken care of this stuff was that my priority was raising our three children.  The other main reason is that I wanted to give him the satisfaction of taking care of these things because he said he would take care of them.  Unfortunately, he hasn't taken care of anything for 13 years, not even himself.  I have waited long enough.  I need to start taking care of the house, both literally and figuratively which means detaching from him...

The Next Step

Haven't been able to get off the ride.  Have one foot on and one foot off.  Staying on seems to be safer than getting off.  I feel as if I'm jumping off a moving train.  The train is going to go over a cliff, but I'm still afraid to jump off.  What is the matter with me???