Divorced But Not Detached

We got divorced, legally.  He is still drinking.  He's been drinking off and on for several months.  Now he's in rehab.  My focus is still on him.  I know that I need to focus on myself, move on with my life and stop dwelling on anything about him.  I realize that I am sick too.  I am codependent and it has become my life.  This awareness is the first step toward changing who I am.

In my last post, I talked about getting off the train.  I got off, but I am still walking beside it.  I am watching the crash close up and yelling instructions to help prevent death and destruction.  The problem is that I am getting hurt continuously by this role and somehow I need to learn how to live without him.  I also know that detaching from him will help him to make the changes he needs to make on his own.

The Train is Jolting to a Stop

      Have you ever been on a bus or train that jolted to a stop?  I haven't, but I have been in a minor car accident that threw me forward and I hit my head on the dashboard.  The only time this happened to me was when I was a child.  I was about 8 and was riding with my grandfather in the front seat.  I wasn't wearing a seat belt and my grandfather was almost blind, literally.  He was making a left turn to drop me off at church and didn't see a car that was going straight.  I screamed and he slammed on the breaks.  Everyone was fine, but I did hit my head on the dashboard.

     I'm afraid that I am going to hit my head when this train comes to a complete stop.  I am now flying through the air.  I have an appointment with a mediation service next week to file the paperwork for the divorce.  I had to fire my attorney because they were charging outrageous fees.  I have to make an offer on a house I like next week (that is smaller and older than our family home).  I applied for a new job.  How many more life stressors???  Hope none are on the horizon for the time being.

    All and all, things are getting better.  I have a lot to be thankful for during the holiday season.
 

Loss and Acceptance

     We are moving closer to a financial agreement.  There's not going to be any fighting over money.  There never was much fighting between us.  We got along very well until he started drinking.

     I have less to say now as I do not feel as if I am being hurt in the same way.  What I am starting to feel is tremendous sadness and grief over the loss of this relationship.  All this time, I had hope that we would be together again.  Now I know that the reality is that he probably will not stop drinking.  We will stay friends.  We will be kind to each other.  I may never have a love like I had with him again.

   It will be OK.  I will be OK.  I have 3 beautiful children, friends and family who love me.  I hope that if you are reading this and you have similar problems, that you know that you will be OK too.  If you drink, you can stop. Just because my husband has not stopped yet, doesn't mean that he cannot stop.  If you are a codependent like me, you can detach.  I haven't detached yet, but I am making a lot of progress.  

Getting Off the Train

     The runaway train is screeching to a halt.  A cliff is looming in the distance.  My friends and family have been yelling "Get off the____train.  It's going to crash.  Get off now."  

     I hear them.  I've been listening, just somewhat immobilized by my fear...my fear of being alone, my fear of supporting myself, etc. I know that I have not been rational.  I should have jumped off earlier.  I am going to get hurt either way.  This train is going to crash if it does not get onto a different track.  He is going to die.


     Today I am supposed to take the paperwork to the lawyer so that he can write up our divorce papers.  I have been sleeping again, but sometimes having nightmares.  Last night I dreamt that a plane crashed behind our house.  My son and his friends as well as my other children were here.  I told everyone to get down on the ground and to get away from the windows.  The plane exploded.  My son was outside and shards of glass went into one of his hands.  I was trying to pull them out when I woke up.

     Our marriage is crashing.  It is blowing up.  He's getting a lawyer too.  This does not matter.  What matters is that I am getting off the train.  I am choosing life without alcohol.  I am not an alcoholic and I can find joy in life again. 

Divorce Feels Like...

       I'm not sleeping right.  It's been about three days.  I sleep, but it's fitful.  Waking up is a pleasure.  When I first thought about divorce, I told my friends that it felt like I was cutting off my right arm.  Now, I feel like I am being put into a blender and cut up into little pieces.  This may sound dramatic, but it's true.  Anyone who has divorced someone that they love, knows what I am saying.

     I am not good company.  I am able to work, but I cannot tolerate noise, or people who think or act too slowly.  My patience is almost nonexistent and I am overly sensitive to criticism.  I think I might need something to help me sleep. My husband and I are back on friendly terms as he has temporarily stopped drinking again.  I think that this is why I am agitated.

     It's good that he is sober and cooperating, but it's almost as if he is one of the voices in "The Journey" yelling for me to stop.  He already wants me to get rid of the lawyer and to file through a mediation service.  I am not going to get rid of the lawyer.  I am not going to stop this time.  I will be overjoyed if he recovers.  In 5 years, if we are both unattached, I might consider dating him... this is the real reason I am agitated.

Divorce Does Not Mean You Do Not Care

I have started to climb out of the pit again.  I had to get a lawyer because my husband acted as if he did not care about the children and me...he didn't care where we lived or if we had enough money.  I found out later that he had been drinking for four days straight.  Obviously, after almost 14 years I still can't tell when he's drunk over the telephone.

He called last night after he stopped drinking for 8 hours.  I told him my divorce proposal.  He tentatively agreed with it and I said for him to think about it over the weekend. We will be able to file for our divorce soon.

I think this will be a relief to him too.  He still sees the pain he causes us and feels very guilty about it even though he doesn't acknowledge this.  He has too much pride.  He isn't a bad person.  He's a very good person with a very bad problem.  I have to detach from him so that I can go on with my life.  

If only he could fully accept what has happened, embrace the responsibility and the pain.  He would get the forgiveness that he needs from us, be able to forgive himself and go on with his life.

This is important to me partly because it is hard for me to go on with my life when I see him drinking himself to death.  Most of my friends and family don't understand this fact.  I am watching him drink himself to death.  I can't do anything to stop it.  I have to leave to maintain my own sanity and live.  This doesn't change the fact that I have to stand by and watch him kill himself, even if it is from a distance.

Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese"